Big Bang Technology

Mon 16 Mar
2009

A Sewer-Clown Stole my iPhone

Posted at 4:40 PM by Max Cameron in Ranting

Late Friday night, I was hailing a cab on the edge of a sidewalk, when my iPhone slid out of my hands.

What can I say, shit happens.

I’ve dropped my iPhone a number of times over the years, and it’s a surprisingly durable machine. I’ve never managed to break or lose one, which would probably surprise you if you know me personally. I might misplace it, or forget who I lent it to a few minutes ago, but it always ends up back in my pocket.

If I accidentally drop the phone, I always try and place my foot under it to mitigate the impact, and give it a soft landing. This time would be different. This time, because I was standing on the edge of the sidewalk, I couldn’t soften the blow. And it fell, and it fell some more, time standing still while it silently slid through the nighttime air, and I could see very clearly as the bright icons winked at me for the last time.

There was neither a clunk, nor a thud. No crash, crack, split or smack.

Just silence.

It took a moment to hit me, but my iPhone had fallen seamlessly between the grates of a sewer, and fell deep enough to muffle any sound it made when it hit the snow or ice below.

I hit a zen moment. I felt numb and free of all consciousness.

And then, with all my might, I got down on a knee and I tried to open the sewer grate.

Looking back on it, I realize that it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t get into that sewer on Friday night. I might have injured myself quite seriously, not fully understanding the consequences of that decision at the time. But the point of this story lies outside the boundaries of the existential/metaphysical crisis that is immediately precipitated by the loss of an iPhone.

I’m still discovering and experimenting with the psychological symptoms of iPhone withdrawal. I might write about it someday, after an appropriate amount of reflection. Maybe there’s a lucky sewer clown out there. Maybe he’s got a sweet phone.